I’ve had a few days now full of seizures, hence why I haven’t been about. It’s just one of the crappy effects that come along with epilepsy..
So right now I’m feeling a little low..
But Ill be back soon.
Category Archives: Everything Else
My Dream Office/Study
I read this post http://playfullytacky.com/2014/07/14/my-imaginary-office/ by Playfully Tacky and decided I wanted to have a go.
Now I actually love my big old desk https://eruthvenstevenson.com/2014/07/24/1-where-i-work-my-magic/ but it got me thinking about my own dream study and how I would furnish it….
So I thought long and hard as this would be the room I would mostly be in and I trailed through thousands of photos and sites to find just what would be perfect for me.
Now my animals are really important to me and actually spend a lot of time right next to me. The dogs bed is next to the desk and when I can convince the cats not to be on top of whatever I’m working on, they sleep on the desk shelves. So, I’d sort them out. Below is a bed for Jazz, a really cool scratching, climbing post and I’d add shelves specifically for them so they’d not climb mine.
And so with the animals taken care of I’d get the desk.
I love it, it’s not something you’d see everyday anywhere else. I love the fact that it’s very natural feeling.
Now the desk chair was harder.I could get one to match the desk but realistically if you’re spending vast amounts of time there you want a big, sturdy, comfy thing.
I actually think both are ugly but they look comfy at least.
I’d have these chairs dotted around. Just with my favourite books in them. If I’m getting a dream office then next door I want a dream library, picture the one in Disney Beauty and the Beast!
But I’d also need a comfy chair, I found this one,
But the one I’d really want I can never find. Cast your mind back to the nineties, remember the hot chocolate advert for Cadbury’s, the tune was show me heaven and she sinks into this lush, deep, purple chair.. That’s the one I’d want.
Now I did a little extra thinking here aswell. I give you my lighting.
My soft furnishing, rug, curtains and cushions.
I love it. The only thing missing for me would be a view. To be assured of the one I want I’d get one of those big wall mural things.
Now my office wouldn’t suit every one but it suits me. It’s a mix of everything I love and I don’t care if things mach or not.
Now all I need to do is win the lottery so I can get it all!!!!!!! Rest assured people if you buy my books then this is what I’m saving up for!
Oh and while I wouldn’t want them in my dream office I love these so just had to share them with you..
Thursday 14th August. Thursday thoughts. YA Romance
Before I start I have to say it, this is MY opinion. Only that.
I’ve seen many posts about romance unequality and especially that portrayed in YA books and films.
I always suspected that I would come down heavily on the disapproving side.
I mean, we may as well face the truth here; YA just isn’t YA without some form of a romantic undercurrent. I don’t think that I can actually recall a film or book in this category that does not at least touch on a dysfunctional romance at least once.
Don’t get me wrong, I see no reason romance, crushes, whatever you want to call it shouldn’t be included in YA and teen entertainment, but face the facts, I doubt any person over the age of about ten nowadays has not been subjected to some form of sexualised imagery. It is far too readily available on the internet, etc., but more than that, look at a music video or advert and see how sex sells… I could wonder of on a rant here; I won’t because it leads too far off topic, but it may be something you want to consider.
I think there is a thin line between love and lust, and it is not always breached respectfully. That goes for all genres and age groups, but it’s YA I’m speaking about here. It’s important to remember how impressionable that age is. Oh, I know; a million teens are screaming that they’re not stupid, they don’t give into peer pressure, etc. but the fact of the matter is you do. I did. With all my talk of not following crowds and refusal to become little more than a consumer sheep, pressure is still there. And there is a huge amount of pressure on teens when it comes to things of a sexual nature without everything aimed at them confusing the situation further.
Now as far as I’m aware, and I admit that I could be completely wrong here, YA is a relatively new genre.
Let’s jump straight aboard the bandwagon and begin with Twilight shall we.
I doubt there are many who don’t know at least the basic plot.
Now, I’m not a fan of this as it refers to Bella and Edward, I find the characters deplorable, and they wind me up no end. The portrayal of Bella just ceasing to function when left by Edward fuels far too many arguments for me to go into..
BUT
They grow on me. Not so much Bella, I don’t think she ever has much grit as a character but the wishy washy deeply tortured crap that is Edward does. His passion and love, yes love, after all he’s offering her all of eternity, is nice.
So there’s a redeeming point right?
Don’t give in, you might have to wait hundreds of years for the right someone but they’ll show up eventually!
Twilight’s good point: love doesn’t set a rhyme or course. You could fall for someone who is nothing like you ever imagined, so completely different to you. Sometimes you have to fight hard to make it work. you don’t choose who you fall in love with. it can be the person you want, or it can be someone you don’t expect.
New Moon’s good point: sometimes the person you love the most will hurt you. it’s alright to not be alone; you have your friends for support, if you’ll just allow them to be there for you they can help you be happy again. sometimes the things that really hurt most were done with the best intentions.
Eclipse: each choice you make has consequences. not just for you but for people around you, you never know how your decisions are going to alter the lives of those close to you but ultimately you do have to put your happiness first. it’s your life; you are the one who has to live it.
Breaking Dawn: It’s about family. It’s about fighting for your family, to keep them safe. It’s about not judging something just because it’s different from what you know (Renesmee is the prime example here.) Just because it’s not something you have come across before doesn’t mean it’s ok to put an end to it.
The bad points in this serious are obvious.
A girl should give up everything and everyone just to be with her sexy boyfriend
If your boyfriend dumps you: become suicidal
If your boyfriend is seriously controlling and decides what you can and can not do in your its ok, don’t question it, he obviously only has your best interest in mind.
and more..
Oh, just one more point. I see a lot of negative issues online about getting married and having a baby at 18. This isn’t the horror story people make it out to be; everyone’s different. It’s only a modern world that dictates this is wrong, go back a hundred years nd this was the norm.
So mixed reviews. My point, although not always clear is this, is that yes a lot of these films and books aimed at YA have some dysfunctional relationships, but even the worst ones have nice points.
Just because teens are teens doesn’t mean they’re about to go out and immediately intimate what thy see or read, the same could be said for adults. I watched Silence of the lambs not long ago and yet I have not become a cannibal or a murderer. I read Stephen King’s Christine, and yet no demonic car has changed me with some weird possession crap.
Trust people, no matter their age to know right from wrong on their own. Understand that entertainment is exactly that.
Oh and look closer at some of the morals to these that you are maybe not seeing the first time.
I’m not excusing them; I’m not saying the don’t have bad morals and points, I’m just asking you to look a little closer…
So here are a few examples of love in YA romance that I like.
Oh, one further point, my husband and I have been together since I was 17, in a couple of months I turn 30. Proof I think that teen romance can last.
Rest in Peace Robin Williams 1951-2014
It seems my Thursday thought has taken on an even deeper meaning as this morning the world reels from the news of beloved comedian, Robin Williams, being found dead.
You can’t tell what goes on inside people. Sometime it becomes to hard to place that ‘I’m OK’ mask on every day.
So here’s my thoughts heading for the ones he left behind, my hopes that peace has finally found him, my secret yearning that he cocks a leg up the pearly gates whilst yelling ‘mine’ (if you dont get the reference you need to watch his stand up more).
And heres my hope for you. Share a hug. Even if they say they’re ok, some aren’t.
Robin Williams 1951-2014. I defy you to ever forget this man!
Thursday 07 August 2014
You can barely move nowadays without running into someone campaining for something. Adopt a dog, run for cancer… The list goes on and on. Now don’t get me wrong, all of these things are necessary and good things but when I have someone knocking on my door, and its always as you’ve just sat down to eat, then just once I want it to be a person telling me of a new initiative for Epilepsy research or a new program to help with Depression and Mental Health Illnesses..
I’ve suffered from Mental Health Illnesses since I was a teenager and for years have been up and down, and on and off medication.
Sitting in the doctors office at 27 years old and being told that the four visits to the neurologists in the previous five years had all been wrong was unreal. To have the neurologist explain to me that without a full scan, she couldn’t be certain but that she was convinced that not only did I have epilepsy but that I had probably had in one form or another for my entire life and that I took three separate types of seizures… well it was surreal to say the least.
My shocked expression had her calling my husband in from the waiting room where she proceeded to explain to us the various tests that would be upcoming, the appointments I’d have to go to and the tablets that she wanted me to take starting that day I was lucky to have my husband there. He listened and took it all in. I just sat.
Now it shouldn’t have been a surprise. My father had epilepsy, two of my half sisters, both from opposite sides of the family also had it as did many of my extended family.
It had been suspected a number of occasions over the years, but hearing it confirmed made it all seem that much scarier.
So what had landed me in that office? The previous week I returned home on my lunch break, the day was sweltering hot and splashing water on my face was the last thing I remembered. Becoming aware again, I realised I was on the floor and sporting a huge bump on my forehead from where I had hit the sink.
Not thinking it serious I called my boss, returned to work until she could get someone to cover me then went home. I din’t even see a doctor till two days later when my husband forced me to, worrying that maybe I had concussion as I just didn’t seem ‘myself.’
(Now we’d had a really rotten few years before this. My husband was just overcoming a battle with cancer. 4 yrs cancer free now, yay!!!)
The following weeks were a nightmare. The amount of times I found myself on the floor, or walking with no idea how I had got there. The uneasy sensation of being almost seasick, the prickling painful pins and needles that ran across my hands and face and the smell of burning had me constantly living on edge.
Travelling for miles to various hospitals was a nightmare. The endless poking and sticking and machines drove me to distraction. I felt certain that if I had to sit through one more exam I would loose the plot completely.
And so I refused the last test, the one that would have me hooked to machines, in the hospital, for three days. I will not lie and tell you that the epilepsy nurse, neurologist and GP appreciated my choice but they all understood it.
Diagnosed with stress and anxiety I soon fell into a depressive state that was hard to deal with. Sinking lower and lower as the seizures continued I ended up unable to eat, sleep or even leave the house.
Signed of work I only plummeted deeper when I realised the only social life I had surrounded work mates. And that the previous 5 years of training to be a preschool teacher were worthless. Who would hire me now, who would trust me around small children. I certainly didn’t.
Sitting home every day only caused my depression and anxiety to spiral further which in turn had a knock-on effect with my sleep and all had a knock on effect with the epilepsy. Trying to get a handle on all three is something that even now I have still not managed to do. Despite knowing that, stress, depression and lack of sleep can bring on my seizures, they are not things I can control.
I had never wanted to be on daily medications so had always shyed away from antidepressants but I figured that now I had to take epilepsy meds every day another set of tablets couldn’t hurt so I agreed to the antidepressants.
It can take a lot of swapping and changing but the only way to find the best one for you is trial and error. I have the added bonus that many counter act the benefits of the epilepsy medication.
Finding the correct balance of medication is ongoing.
Along with the epilepsy medications I also now take antidepressants and I have sleeping tablets for when things are just too crazy with my sleeping pattern. Since I’ve done these my seizures have altered. Instead of suffering multiple seizures every day I now find myself having weeks with none. Now I’m not saying that everything is fine and perfect, it’s not. I still have seizures and they’re still bad. I still have very low moods and there are still times when I could just scream with the feelings elicited within me.
The significant problem for me has always been the lack of control over my own body. Not knowing when a seizure will strike, how it will be, who will witness it.. they are all worries, but I found that you can either let them get you down or you can move past it.
Now the worry is still there but it no longer controls my life. I refuse to be a victim to epilepsy, I refuse to allow it to keep me a prisoner in my own home. Again this wasn’t something that happened overnight. It took two years of moping around the house before I realised I could help myself.
Again this isn’t something that happened at once, it is ongoing. I gave in and saw the mental health nurse and together with my other doctors I’m improving every day.
There is no miracle cure, no wonder day when everything is fixed. You just have to hope that today will be a bit better.
The other hard part was the loss of my wage. There are benefits out there, it’s just complicated to work them all out. Luckily I found https://www.epilepsy.org.uk/info/help-support. They were really helpful.
Epilepsy is part of who I am, but it is not the only part. Depression is a part of who I am, but it is not the only part.
It may take time, but persevere, it doesn’t have to be all you are either.
I now have one book published, this active website and more books to come. Epilepsy and Depression don’t have to ruin your life, let them be your new start.
Famous People who had/have epilepsy.
Vincent van Gogh
Sir Isaac Newton
Napoleon Bonaparte
Agatha Christie
Charles Dickens
Leonardo Da Vinci
Theodore Roosevelt
George Frederick Handel
Lord Byron
Peter Tchaikovsky
Sir Walter Scott
There are many, check out this site.. http://www.disabled-world.com/artman/publish/epilepsy-famous.shtml for more names and more information about the ones listed above.
Always report any incidents, changes, seizures etc to your GP, neurologist, epilepsy nurse.
Famous people who had/have Depression or a Mental Health Illness. Depression is hard to catergorize as there are so many types, ie, postpartum depression, bipolar disorder etc.
Owen Wilson
Heath Ledger
Demi Lovato
Catherine Zeta-Jones
Princess Diana
(info from here http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20526304,00.html)
On a serious note, there are people to listen. If you are struggling and feel you have no one to talk to try here,
http://www.suicide-prevention.org.uk/
Breathing Space 0800 83 85 87
Samaritans 08457 90 90 90
I saw this, and thought it was a lovely way to pass on a message…
Thursday 31 July 2014
So today I had plans on a piece I had written about Epilepsy and then my computer went a bit funny on Facebook, it kept flicking pages and consistently took me to one that I hadn’t been on in a while. Uncle Bush, who was in fact my dad’s cousin, Hugh Gracie died on the 16th June 2013 at only 51. He left behind his wife and two teenage sons. Not to mention the rest of his family and many many friends. His funeral hosted an amount of people in one place that I have not been witness to before. The cemetery was packed…
Now call it what you want but a little bit of me wants to think it wasn’t just a fault that kept pulling me to his page..
I won’t get into a life after death debate, I see points from both sides but my own personal belief, more of a want is that there is something beyond. That my loved ones who have passed on aren’t just gone. I believe their spirit lives on…
Anyway.. It had me thinking of the people I have lost. These last few years have been particularly hard and a lot of loved ones have been prematurely taken.
I don’t want to sink into depression with thoughts of death. I make no secret of the fact that I suffer from depression and are medicated for this. What I thought instead was that I’d look at the good. At the memories no one can take from you and the ones that make you laugh and smile and cry.
So this is my remembrance for a few of the people I have been unfortunate enough to loose.
Here are some of my memories of them.
Aunt Anne (my great aunt, sister of my papa Roy)) – Aunt Anne once had a little dog called Katie, when I would visit she would have me walk the dog on the field opposite her house with bribes of a glass of Irn Bru. I remember getting back, pouring rain and she told me the dog wasn’t walked enough and sent me out to do it again!
Aunt Ann (Brownlee, my gran’s sister.) – Aunt Ann used to watch us from time to time, she bought Aladdin when it first came out for us to watch, I can’t believe how excited it made us. Even today when I see something from Aladdin I picture her face and smile.
Papa (Tommy, my gran’s second husband.) – Papa was sly! Gran had gone to the shop and asked that he not go out. I went to the bathroom and Mark was talking to him. I swear I was only in there for a couple of minutes, come out, Mark’s alone. I asked him where papa was, old bugger had snuck out to the bookies!!! (Should point out he was in his 80’s at this point and we were meant to be going for lunch, we didn’t just tell him he couldn’t go out.)
Uncle Jim (Gracie. I just don’t know how to explain the relationships, if we dont know how they often just become aunt or uncle. I think was related like this, his mother in law was the sister of my grans dad. Work that out!!) – Always in these blue overalls, smelling of a mixture of oil and mechanical stuff and cigarette smoke. I don’t remember him without a cigarette in his mouth but I do remember him flicking his ash into his pocket instead of the floor or an ashtray.
Uncle Bush (Bush is Jim from above’s son) – Bush had a finger missing, many stories filled my childhood of how he told a lie so it fell of, he picked his nose and it got stuck up there.. and many, many more. His knuckles had had love and hate tattooed on them, without the finger it ended up as love and hat. I will never forget the jokes of how ‘someone had to love hats’.
(Mark has the same finger missing, Bush was desperate for him to have matching tattoos.)
Nanna Orange (Mark’s nan.) – Nana Orange was hilarious, the first day I met her I had gone to pick up a magazine rack that she was binning. After receiving every detail about the piece of furniture from the time she owned it she then pressed £25 into my hand to thank me for taking it!
Nan Cockell (My husband, Mark’s nan) – I never really had a chance to really know Nan Cockell but she insisted each time that I visited on bringing out this same bottle of lemonade so I could have a glass (I dont drink tea or coffee but really just wanted water). The lemonade was as old as time and sooo flat, but she’d watch you drink every last drop and then put it away for next time!
I also want to point out two others. My Grandad, Gordon was great. I remember fondly the time I spent sat on his lap in front of his massive tropical fish tank while he told me all about them. And Uncle Geordie (Uncle Jim’s brother) once the tallest man in Scotland he’s in record books and everything, at 7ft4 he really was a gentle giant. Another lap I spent time on he was just a great big teddy to cuddle with. The smell of a pipe always puts me in my mind of snuggling up on his specially made chair and listenin to stories.
Then there’s something else, the animals that made a really strong impact in your life. I have been blessed to have owned many animals, my whole family are animal lovers and so we have always been surrounded and unfortunately they pass on.
Her are some that really touched my life.
Chelsea – Chelsea was my best friend. She slept in my bed, I walked her, fed her and I even still have the scar on my thumb from wrestling a tin of dog food to feed her! Chelsea was my ‘get out of being grounded’. I’d just take her for a walk, for five hours and in the company of my friends!
Joey (Joe Louis) – To begin with his mum was a rescue and only six months old. She had to have an emergency c-section and he was the only surviving kitten. We were only allowed to take our cats home because the vet advised that both mother and kitten wouldn’t survive. I was only 17, Mark and I were a couple but I lived alone with my cats. Well he made it, hand reared, getting up for bottles every couple of hours! He was really daft. My favourite memory was this: I never closed my window, they could just come and go onto the balcony, one day a bird hit the patio door so I closed this window for the first time. Joey didn’t get that and he proceeded to run, full speed into the room and jump straight into the glass. Hmm, reading it back sounds a little mean but it really was funny and he wasn’t hurt just incredibly confused as to why he couldn’t get out the window.
Not everyone has been mentioned here but I’m sharing with you the ones that affected me most.
I don’t have many pictures on my computer and the ones I do have are blurry and not great but they are all I have. (I do have some printed but I don’t have a scanner or anything.)
Anyway, thanks for reading and keep strong for your own losses.
Next week I’ll upload the piece I wrote on Epilepsy.
1. Where I work my magic!!!!
So, it is a well-known fact that I always write on paper first. I do not mesh well with computers. I know, I know, I’m supposed to be the generation of technology.. I’ve been told it a million times before. Doesn’t alter anything, I’m afraid. Not even the two years of office and business studies I took when I was at school (in Scotland) helped. I can type and I know my finger keys and I can still picture the teacher peering over my shoulder, breathing down my neck…
Well.. That is neither here nor there any more, suffice to say that computers and I are not very good friends.
That said, I do write at my desk. I LOVE my desk.
This great big wooden monstrosity was a boot sale find that I managed to convince my mum to give me! It is far too large for my room and partially blocks one window but I love it nonetheless.
It is scraped and scratched and dented. There are gouges and shelves that have been ripped out and repositioned.
I was going to clear it all down, the husband suggested it would make me appear more organised, but the truth of the matter is that I’m not organised. I would never allow anyone a glimpse into the drawers. That is where everything I’m working on is stored and really shows how unorganised and messy I am.
With a combination of books, DVD’s, knick knacks and pictures, the shelves are overflowing. The shelf at the bottom, where feet go is home to my many, many scraps of paper holding random ideas and scenes.
There are many pens littering the top and always a bag of mints lovingly supplied by my wonderful friend and her mother who run the local sweetshop, Nicola and Yvonne. I run the risk of bankrupting myself whenever I step in their store!!
My two cats are currently being fed on my desk. Not ideal but till I can work something else out it has to do as the dog steals their food otherwise. The two bottom shelves are always kept empty anyway as both cats have habits of getting up anyway, Gid is very keen to sit on the paper I am writing on and Nessie is very enthusiastic about pens!!
The computer monitor, when I am writing, ends up covered in post it notes.
From Highland Fairlings series – Book One – Ina
“A collection of books that lined one wall were not nearly as many as the books that lined the little used Brothaigh library but each looked well-worn from many readings. The Laird’s desk was a heavy piece of furniture that was cluttered with many pieces of parchment and various objects that held great mystery.
Alasdair had once heard that you could tell a man’s character from his possessions and he found that Laird Elliot’s manically arranged possessions did not give a hint to the man who was too busy allowing his daughter to fight like a man than anything else. Or perhaps it did.”
A New Start.
The original page has refused me entrance and will not accept it’s password. The site cannot help and so here is where it will update.
If you have struggled to find me then I apologize.
Emma Ruthven-Stevenson 